Having reached the old age I currently am, my mortality is becoming more prominent in my psyche.
I only recently discovered that there is a set aside amount of money in most people's wills for their funeral/reception/etc. As a result I have recently started thinking about plans for my funeral.
Wanting to go out on a tasteless joke, I am going to plan every minute detail in the hope of making it as close to free as possible... and as uncomfortable.
- I will get some sort of coffin, I think I shall buy it before I die so that it doesn't count, plus having a coffin and all would really impress my flatmates in college.
- While near death, trick some bastards of relatives that I never seen before into promising me they'll dig the whole for me... that'll be a legally binding agreement there.
- There's no need for a herse, I want to just be placed in our trailer and drove in by my closest living relative.
- Just don't pay the priest anything, if he complains at all the whole parish will just think he wants even more money despite getting a whole 200euro in the collection across the last month.
- Many people request a specific song to be played as they're being buried or whatever; if I were to do that I'd go with Always Look on the Bright Side of Life purely cos it's perfect for it. However I do not want music! Instead I would like a cd of hysterical crying to be played throughout... canned crying!
- I never understood the point of a reception afterwards. Is the free meal meant to be the final gift the dead person gets to give to all the distant relatives they never like? Nonetheless it's a vital component so we shall head down to Supermacs. I'll have the organiser to instruct that they can order whatever they want... imagine their surprise when the people at the counter ask them for money! Again, they're not going to tell the close relatives to pay.
- And finally give someone the lovely uncomfortable job of personally addressing each person at the funeral that I hate from a script I'd have prepared prior to the event.
12 comments:
"Instead I would like a cd of hysterical crying to be played throughout... canned crying!"
Genius!
i read this and caught myself shaking my head, thinking "now his poor mother wouldn't like that one bit..."
i am getting old.
so old that it might behoove me to plan a little for my own.
Why don't you try as Graham Chapman for you funeral song -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsHk9WC7fnQ
Behoove surely must be the fanciest word to have been used anywhere near this blog.
The sad thing is, that John Cleese wont be able to get himself, instead he'll be stuck with that absolute bastard Eric Idle.
For some reason now I wanna call the baha men bahastards.
I want my name to not be mentioned until the very end of the ceremony, upon which the priest is to call me by another name.
Watching the look on the graveside faces would be priceless.
Quality.
I attended the funeral of a man who's passion in life was amateur dramatics.
Apparently it is tradition for the deceased actor to receive his/her final standing ovation as they are being carried from the church at the end of the funeral. However, the priest said that the family had requested that this be deferred until the part of the service at the crematorium.
So, at the crematorium, as the curtains begin to close around the coffin, everybody stands and affords the deceased his final standing ovation. The curtains close fully with everybody still applauding.
Then, the curtains begin to open again. For about 2 seconds everybody is a bit confused. Then people realise he was doing the customary curtain call.
The place was in uproar. They did about 3 or 4 more curtain calls before they closed for the last time.
Talk about lifting people's spirits. It was wonderful.
xbox: brilliant too! A funeral with any sort of joke is the best thing to go out with.
tba: That cannot be true, it's absolutely glorious. His own family would remember the funeral better than they remembered him.
You are far to young to be considering your funeral, B.
Although it may help keep your university hijinx to a resonable level.
What food will you have the mourners eat?
not seriously planning... although if I started now I'd be able to plan out a 24 hour funeral.
That'd be brilliant, watching people walk out of a funeral.
I sorted out the food there in the post, whatever the want from the takeaway.
whats a hi-jinx?
Saw this . Thought of you.
LOL. Telling people you have a coffin - bad idea!
My grandmother actually bought one a while back. Everyone stopped vising her till she got rid of it.
The coffin would make for an ornate drinks cooler for the time being if filled with ice! :)
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